Do You Have A Healthy Relationship with Success?

TINA’S TUNE

That said, I’d guess that many people’s personal idea of success would include language similar to that found in the classic Tina Turner track: (Simply) ‘The Best’. As you’ll remember, the lyric states the person Tina is singing to is ‘Better’ than anyone, anyone she’s ever met. If we’re honest, most of us feel that success is bound up in appearing to be ‘better’ than others. The problem is that, again, what this actually means remains vague. Are we talking about being better in terms of money, looks, wit, charm, power, status, empathy? 

It’s hardly surprising that, in a culture that’s so obsessed with this nebulous idea of success, many of us have a toxic relationship with the concept. 

• We fear success. 
• We fear a lack of success. 
• We love success and we hate success. 

 

A SIMPLER PAST

Tens of thousands of years ago, success would have been defined in a simple way. It meant disseminating DNA through reproduction and avoiding death for as long as possible. Then, as our social groups became more complex, the idea of holding status amongst our peers became more important. Today, kudos doesn’t come through reproduction and death has become a more distant, sanitized affair. This leaves most of us focusing on comparisons to our peers for our definition of whether we’re successful or not. 

 

SUCCESS OVERLOAD

Unfortunately for us, we’re no longer living in small communities of a dozen peers to compare ourselves to. We’re part of huge societies, filled with individuals wrestling to demonstrate their own status. Combine this with the advent of social media, where at any moment of the day it’s possible to see any one of millions of others actively broadcasting their own status, and many of us are left with a disquieting feeling. We desire to define ourselves by success, but we’re plagued by the realisation that we’re never going to be, as Tina would have put it, better than all the rest. There are just too many people to compete with. 

 

CLIMBING THE LADDER

Into this heightened environment, where extreme ideas of success (money, power, fame) are visible all around us, it’s far too easy to become obsessed with climbing the ladder to increased status. We want to reach ‘the top,’ whatever that means, in an effort to give our lives meaning. 

The irony is that, often, in order to get to the top, we shed the elements of life that do give it real significance. We distance ourselves from friends, families and loved ones, focusing on nothing but our careers – hoping that they will make us feel significant. It’s easy to lose a clear sense of who we really are, as we battle to be validated by others.  

THE GOOD NEWS 

As a society, our relationship with success is complex and often hugely negative. The Good News is that you don’t have to be afraid of, or obsessed by, success. The key is to define a healthy idea of success that works for you. Here are some tips:

 

• WHAT’S YOUR ADVICE?

This one may take a little bit of thought. 

Imagine you’re going to leave a message in a bottle for future generations to discover, including a tip about success. 

What would you say? What does success actually mean? What’s really important? What pitfalls should future generations avoid? 

Through this process, you’ll discover your true definition of success, stripped of the unhelpful trends and fashions of the present. Cherish this discovery, it’ll mirror the legacy you want to create with your own life.  

• MAKE A SUCCESS MEMORY 

If you’re feeling scared or unworthy of success, then try this exercise. 

Remember your proudest achievement. Explore it and try to embrace how you felt in that moment. Bask in that feeling, drink in its positivity. 

Doing this regularly will create a ‘success memory’ – a resource you can go to instantly, whenever doubt sets in. It’s a permanent reminder that you can be successful, and it felt really good. 

• REMEMBER WHAT DEFINES YOU 

It can be difficult, at times, to block out toxic external stimuli. That’s why it’s so important to spend time focusing on yourself, your relationships and what’s really important to you. 

As often as you can, remind yourself that you are more than a series of cultural signifiers of perceived success. Let your mantra be that ‘Outer success does not, and never will, define your value.’ Remembering this will help you to achieve something truly meaningful with your life. 

• DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD

Doing the right thing is more important than gaining the praise of others. 

Enjoy spending some time working on things that you feel are important and nobody else knows about. Throwing your energies into a task or activity that you know will never bring you explicit praise is liberating. 

Do it. 

You’ll soon see success is what you feel inside and has nothing to do with competing with your peers.